This is the first part of a two part post. I am taking on the oh so controversial question of whether people are born gay or if they choose to be gay. Many people believe being gay is a choice. While these people fail to recognize the fact they did not choose their own sexuality, they think all gay people make a conscience effort to decide whether to be gay or straight.
I am a gay man. Ok, so no surprise there. But, I have KNOWN I was gay ever since I could remember. I can literally remember at around the age of five that I knew I was different. I knew I was attracted to boys. Now before you say ew or gross or any other vomit inducing sound, I thought this strange myself to know this from such an early age. That was before I had a nephew. My nephew is six years old. A few months into kindergarten, my nephew comes home and states he has a girlfriend. A little brunette in his class has caught his eye and he proclaims this is the girl he will marry. Now my sister and her husband of course paid no attention to this declaration of love and instead thought it cute. I finally understood the workings of sexuality. I could have been that boy at six proclaiming my love for a fellow classmate who happened to be a boy. When I was little and realized I was different, I had no understanding of straight, gay, homosexual or heterosexual. I just knew that I couldn’t really make it known that I liked boys. I understood this as well in looking at my nephew. When my sister and her family came down to Dallas for their annual visit, they live in Wisconsin, I went to hug my nephew. He promptly held his hand out and told me, “Boys don’t hug boys.” I looked at my sister and she just shrugged her shoulders. I know for a fact my sister or her husband did not teach my nephew this. It made me realize how I KNEW at such a young age to keep my own attractions a secret because just like my nephew said, “Boys don’t hug boys.”
In reading studies regarding the childhoods of gay adults, I learned of many perceived characteristics which were thought to have contributed to their orientation. I fit almost all these characteristics. I had a dominating mother, I was sexually abused as a kid, I came from a broken home and the list just keeps getting longer and longer. I wondered about the duality of a genetic disposition to a specific sexuality and the impact of environmental influences. In asking myself if I was genetically predisposed or if my environment surrounding me in my formative years determined whether I was gay or not, I wondered about the lives of several gay people I knew. What I found was that environmental influences could not have had much of an impact in determining my sexuality. Sure it might have played a role as to when I finally accepted my sexuality but not in making me straight or gay. So I have to believe that something happened either at the moment of conception or something else en utero. Otherwise, why would children with parents still married and with no history of any kind of abuse who also were raised in a so called upright religious setting, turn out to be gay? They certainly did not fit any stereotype.
Years ago, when I came out to my younger brother, the first thing he asked me was why I had to “live” gay. Why couldn’t I just bottle up all those feelings and find a nice girl to marry and settle down with kids? I asked him if he wanted me to be happy. He responded that he did want me to be happy and I told him that is why I would never do those things. I would not be happy!
Now, when talking about choice, I will concede that yes, I do CHOOSE to live as an openly gay man. I associate myself with others like me and I find entertainment as well as comfort in participating in many things gay. Going to gay bars, attending drag shows and having sex with men will always be my choice. And I make that choice because that is who I am. To even consider living a double life where I imprison myself in a fake marriage so as to appease those who are “uncomfortable” with my lifestyle is simply out of the question. Not only would it be unfair and unjust to me, it would not be fair to the woman who thinks she knows me and is in love with an illusion.
I had a friend once who commented that being gay was not “who” he was. Being gay was like 10% of who he was as a person. I told him no, that’s 10% of the population…badabum…but I digress. I started thinking about how we “identify” ourselves. We first identify ourselves as male or female. Then I think we identify ourselves as single, dating, partnered, married or something of that nature. Next, we might think of ourselves in relation to what we do for a living; such as a waiter, engineer, doctor or some other profession. Another identifier could be our age; are we old, young, an old youth or a youthful old person? There are infinite possibilities that tell people who we are. Sexuality is a minute part of that image but it certainly creates an impasse when you throw homosexuality in the mix. Suddenly we are the “gay person” instead of the single forty-something man who is a respected lawyer.
Being gay does not define who someone IS! Just like being straight does not pigeonhole someone into a specific set of characteristics, being gay does not accomplish this as well. So if anyone still believes that a person can choose their sexuality, let me ask a few questions. Why would someone choose not only to sleep with someone of the same sex but then to choose to openly live a lifestyle such as that of a gay person? Why would someone purposefully choose a life or lifestyle that automatically comes with scorn, hate, rejection and a basic overall feeling of loneliness and despair? The answer is that no one would. If anything, some would try to reject that lifestyle and choose instead to live a life of lies, deceit and unhappiness; and that just isn’t fair to ask of anyone.
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